There are two things that done well will get you the most reward and least aggravation out of your online dating experience. The first is to get really good at reading profiles and learning to recognize the red flags before ever showing up on a date. The second is to have your own well-written profile.
Getting good at reading people takes time, and in this environment can be even trickier since the stakes are different than in other areas of our lives. But there are a few tricks that can be learned quickly and will help the newest of us a great deal.
But since my philosophy is that everything starts with us as individuals, and we get what we ask for, I feel the most important thing you can do is know exactly what you want and then create a profile stating that clearly.
For the most part I find people on these sites fall into one of three categories:
- Looking for a relationship
- Looking for sex only
- Looking to separate you from your money and/or possessions
However, this is where it begins to get a bit more challenging. I’ve come to believe in many cases that men and women’s idea of dating have been drastically skewed to mean totally different things. So if you know you aren’t ready for something permanent, but you do want to be seen out in public together on occasion, you need to say that also. Because if you don’t, there is room for misinterpretation that you just want a sex pal, and you will never again see daylight with that person. As I used to say when people asked me if I was dating “If you mean one meal and then never again seen in public, then yes.”
It isn’t always easy to quantify exactly what will attract us to a person, but most of us can say without much hesitation the things that turn us off and are deal-breakers. In some apps, that information is found among the questions they ask, but if it is really important to you, say it in your profile because not everyone reads or even fills out the questionnaire data.
Another thought to keep in mind is that you want to write in the style of person you are seeking. If you most of your communication via textspeak and are comfortable with a partner who does the same, then a more casual approach to your profile is fine. But if you are interested in finding a partner with advanced education or who is a high achiever, then something with more polish might be in order.
As someone who thrives on written communication, I know that while I completely understand typos, there are just some grammatical mistakes that will drive me nuts. And made consistently over the course of an entire profile show either a lack of education or a total lack of attention to detail. Those things don’t make someone a bad person, it simply makes them a poor match for me. Of course, the challenge here is how to state the deal breakers in a way that doesn’t come off as angry or mean-spirited.
- What is your primary reason for being on a dating site?
- Describe the things that are most important to you in a mate. For me, I don’t care what you do for a living, how much money you have, or any of the million and one superficial concerns. What I care about is that you are 100% honest and do you treat me with respect. Certainly there are additional factors, but those two things I can figure out pretty quickly and won’t settle for.
- How much time do you have to devote to a relationship? I don’t have a great deal of unfilled time, but my schedule is my own to manage. So if you capture and hold my attention, I will make time to spend with you. However, what I won’t do is waste one second more than necessary on someone who doesn’t value me.
- Do you travel a lot and therefore are frequently only available via phone or text?
- How often is bare minimum for seeing someone and on average how much is too much?
- What things do you picture doing together during the getting to know you phase? I am a huge fan of walking and talking so to speak. I love the outdoors and enjoy getting fresh air and exercise. If we can do that and get to know each other better at the same time, for me that’s, as they say, a “win-win” situation.
- Is the way someone dresses important to you? If you are going to dinner and your date shows up in sandals with socks or no makeup is that a turn on or turn off?
- If you are interested in just a physical relationship only (and especially if you are on a site specific to that cause), are you open to anything or do you have limitations or restrictions (no need to be graphic, just general in nature).
Having one, or worse a series of negative experiences with online-dating can really sour our attitudes and make us question the entire process. But if done right it can be a much faster way to come in contact with like-minded seekers.